I walk into the living room and see the Doge lounged out on the sofa like nobody’s business. It takes her 0.75 seconds to rearrange herself on the floor and be all like ‘what sofa? The only bed I know is on this floor, true story’. How could you not believe her?
But this is not what we have gathered here to rant about.
Right, so how do I put it – it hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park lately. If I’m totally honest, it’s been rather sh*it. But after some pretty gruesome introspection, I have come to realise much about my feelings and how I process things. As a side note – writing is one way of processing things for me. Man, it’s uncomfortable, but I’ve got to do this. The alternative would be shutting myself out completely, but that would probably worry some people (but man, it’s tempting).
But back to the point – feelings. I have been too weak to let it all brush past me. I have been going through a plethora of emotions. I have been feeling hurt and betrayed. I have felt the weight of injustice and harshness on my shoulders. I have felt insignificant and way too weak to take it all in stride. I have felt incompetent and at loss, stuck. I have lost faith in a lot of things, including some which I believed to be the pillars of my truths.
I guess it has kind of shown also – I mean people notice when you show up at a meeting with eyes swollen like a [I actually googled a lot of things, starting with ugly fish and finishing with crying animals] … something. I guess people notice when you sob or shout down the phone or when tears just start dripping down when you’re just hanging out, being cool.
Someone I know recently said that losing faith etc – those things are the things that make you grow up. I guess they were right. I am a later Y-generation bloomer, I guess. And who said really growing up is pleasant?
But when you reach a point of UGHHH and you have no more tears left, what do you do then? You start to get over yourself. You put your ego aside, and look at the bigger picture. You remember that there are people whose opinion matters and who are your safety net. You stay true to yourself, your conscience, and like go kick something if it helps you get your chin up again. If there are people or things that are trying to pull me down, I will not let them. They won’t get my soul. Not any more. [I have put it away in a safe place.] And I won’t let the cat out of the hurty-feely bag any more, I know better now being older and wiser (teeheee).
When I started listing the emotions and feelings in my head, the processing of them started immediately. It’s like when you name something, it becomes less scary. It loses its power. It’s like turning on the light when you’re scared of the dark.
I have decided to turn on a gigantic spot light for that matter. Come at me, life! It doesn’t mean my legs aren’t metaphorically shaking like hell, but I am armed with a fresh dose of healthy cynicism, a much thicker skin, a fresh knowledge of what’s what and what’s not and why that matters, and I will smother the adverse with kindness and compassion. I’ve heard good things multiply when you use them wisely and share. Nothing to fear,
theoretically. Nothing to lose. Oh, and another important thing – always expect the lowest of everything, this way you’ll never be disappointed.
I accepted a challenge that at first glance felt nothing short of masochistic. Now, I am excited about the possibilities and up for the journey. And hey, one’s gotta keep the pulse up somehow, eh? 😉
If not now, when?