“So you’d know I exist.”

by Ave

When I make a very conscious and weighed decision of not pursuing music as a career choice in the end of 10th grade, I also almost completely eliminated music from my life, and only left the fraction of listening to it. With a few exceptions. The why and how of my decision is a pit of demons and skeletons, so I’m not going into great length to explain it.

But recently I’ve started to feel a growing urge of having to open my mouth again. I need to sing. I want to sing. Something wants to get out. This morning when I woke up and saw snow falling from the sky which I’d already donated to the spring in my heart. (That’s actually a funny story, because when I was little, I’d always thought I was born in the spring, not even sure how or why, because 3rd March has always been very wintery as far as I remember… And then one day I came to the harsh realisation that spring officially starts 18 days after my eyes saw the light of the world for the fist time. Anyway, this year it was getting pretty promising – no snow, +8 degrees in February! I thought I’m finally getting my spring birthday… and then. Sodding snow. Oh well. Can’t have it all. Maybe now I’ll get to ski instead.)

But yeah, the singing thing happened. Poor neighbours. Although my voice is supremely rusty and untrained at the moment, my session early Sunday morning isn’t probably what they had in mind. Also, Estonian is by far the most beautiful language to sing in. Followed by Portuguese, French and English.

Now I need to pin down what’s behind this now uncontrollable *need* to sing. A dear colleague said singing comes in when words fall short. Melodies add extra depth to an emotion. I completely agree.

While the singing part is wonderful, I’ve actually been all teared up this morning. Some silly relief and deep, physical feeling, right in my core, of this being right. There’s the ‘other’ side, too. Which is all complicated. The most complicated I’ve ever managed to stir up. At least I can laugh at myself. Laughter is the best defence. Let’s now hope the shield is sufficiently resistant.

The quote in the title of this post is from a song that was in the competition for representing Estonia at the Eurovision song contest. They didn’t win. Funnily enough, I never liked the song that much. But I woke up this morning with this stuck in my head. Uncontrollably. Sometimes I think my brains have a life of their own, completely detatched from what my consciousness and Self think they know.

 

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