Life, among other things

by Ave

I’ve been postponing writing this post for a while now. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t think it’s actually possible to fit what I’m feeling into the shape of words on screen or because I’ve been so completely drained from finishing my thesis and (well, hopefully) the degree. The last week in Amsterdam was tough as hell, both intellectually and emotionally. I got immensely negative feedback and the last of my remaining self-confidence (thesis-wise) got shaken up three days before the initial deadline I’d set for myself. However, after a major mental breakdown, panic and anger, I pulled through and hopefully the changes I made with two days were good enough to get me a passing grade. Tough luck I had to sit on my arse for two weeks, waiting for feedback on my full draft. But stuff like this happens. Now it’s all in the past and new craziness awaits.

So, I moved back to Estonia. Dad came to pick me up (he drove to Amsterdam) – what a legend. However, my backside did not appreciate the 2200km drive. What was super tough, was saying bye to all the beautiful people in Amsterdam. Had goodbye drinks with the main crew, which was lovely, but I hate goodbyes. Saying my ‘see you soon’-s to those people was particularly difficult, because I’ve been extremely lucky to meet so many great people during my year there. I’ve learnt so much from my friends, they’ve made me a lot more complete and whole as a person, I wouldn’t have expected that, at least not to such extent. They’re under my skin and I truly hope our paths will cross again.

It broke my heart to move out from Juliana & Mario’s flat. They are some of the kindest and genuinely nicest people I’ve ever met. Our half a year of living together was the easiest co-existence ever. Great friends and great flatmates, I had so much fun with them. Would live with them again without a second of doubt.

In short, words don’t come close to how grateful I am for having such beautiful people around me.

But yeah, now I’m in Tallinn, and the summer is all about tough love again. It’s been outrageously cold and rainy. At least it’ll be easier to sit in an office and work when it’s not beach weather. And right now it’s as far from that as it gets. I wonder if people will ever stop moaning about the weather though?

So, I start work on 9th July. I’ve been going to the office to take care of the formalities and meet some people, but have also been to two news meetings. There’s a lot to take in and learn, but I am very excited about it all. I really hope I’ll do good and learn fast. This is as exciting as my professional life at this stage of my life can get. *happy excited clapping and squealing*

As per usual for this time of the year, and also due to life changing events such as finishing university (again), starting a job, and moving to another country, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking too. Early summers tend to make me pensive. The abovementioned has definitely pushed my mindset towards existential ponderings. I’ve been trying to figure out stuff in my head, but without much luck. The one thing I know for sure, is that this is where I need to be, and want to be, for now (in terms of life situation).. but how should I be here? That’s the tricky one. I guess there’s not much more I can do than justgo with the flow(big up clichés).. Life seems to have gathered enough momentum to push me whatever way it decides to when it’s time to do so, at full force.

I’m going to try to spend as much time at our summer house before starting work to get my chakras properly aligned again. Leaving for the island again tomorrow. Need to man up about the weather too.

Our kittycat has gone to kittycat Valhalla. So fucking unfair, but life does that sometimes. Rest in peace Kiisu, you little emperor in a golden bath robe. I hope you loved your 10-year life with us. May there be lots of birds to chase where you’re at, and a lot of jelly conserve to nom. I miss you so much, my furry bestie.

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