Missing

by Ave

Singing. I truly regret giving up the biggest part of my life for about 17 years thinking that I never had the x-factor or whatever it is that you need to make it out there. I always justified that I love music and singing too much to be somewhere in the grey mediocrity, the nondescript middle area. Today I’m aiming at working in the music industry and I’m working towards it. I’m approaching my love from another, perhaps more practical angle (in terms of making a living and general stability etc). I feel like I’ve thrown away a dream that I had for the majority of my life. In a really stupid way I was slapped in the face with the kind of realisation that all dreams don’t come true. And that’s why I buried it. Possibly one of the most stupid things I’ve ever done. And hearing that it’s never too late to start again – it is. I’ve lost what I had, by betraying my dream I, myself, eliminated the slightest chance of making anything of myself as a singer. Should-would-could have more faith in myself. It’s also taken me a long while to come to terms with my own idiocy. For the first four and a half year I rationalised my choices.

Being a child. When everything was simple, everything made sense. This is the dissertation-driven Ave talking, but it’s true. You only start appreciating your childhood once you realise you won’t have any more summer holidays. Life is never going to be simple. Taxes and bills need paying, rubbish taken out and you can’t pull all-nighters with ease any more.

I feel I have to explain that I do not regret choosing to study journalism. Coming to London to study journalism was probably the best decision I’ve made in my life this far, so don’t get me wrong. All is well and I feel I’ve chosen the right thing to do. But that does not mean there cannot be a ‘but’.

Estonia. Life is simple, systems work, bureaucracy is non-existent compared to UK and Finland and contrary to the common belief, people are actually really fucking nice. Estonia has a charm you’ll start missing once you’re out of the country. There’s so many things wrong with my lovely little home, but overall it’s a bloody amazing place.
I’m not going to make a separate paragraph out of it, but I miss going to the sauna as well. My home sauna, wood heated, in Tallinn. The warmth that truly crawls under your skin, the complete relaxation of your body and mind. The sauna in Saaremaa, by our little lake. You can sit in the hot room and look out of the glass door, deep into the canopies of the trees and the tranquillity of a long Estonian summer night. Our summer house in Saaremaa is where peace is at.

My writing flow. It’s probably gone because of the academic drowning I’m keeping myself busy with. I remember the days I couldn’t wait to grab a pen at the end of the day and fill page after a page with words. It feels like I had more to say back then. I really hope this apathy is caused by the general exhaustion piling up from things like writing the big and nasty D that shall not be mentioned and the general end of uni business, applying to other universities.
If I’m completely honest, I’m fed up with educating myself and chasing those diplomas. It’s been mentally rewarding, but I’ve spent 15 solid years of my life in education and I want to take a breath and set it aside for a bit. I want to get my joy of being a student back. I love learning, but I’ve learned more working at Reprise recently than I have with the last semester. I used to love being a student. Now the thought of having to do a Master’s degree makes me slightly nauseous. This too shall pass..

The spark in my eye. It’s gone and I don’t have time to look for it now. At least I know it’s gone. I’ll put a post-it on my wall to remind myself to look for it.

Ja ma tahan, et ma võiksin kirjutada vabalt ja mugavat eesti keeles nii, et see ka kõlaks hästi. Tunnen end kohmaka ja tobedana ning see valmistab mulle tohutut piinlikkust, et iseenda emakeeles ei saa hakkama nii kuis peaks. Olen vahepealses hall-alas, kus olen oma esimese keele autentsuse ja nüansi kaotanud riigireeturluse tõttu. Viis aastat välismaal elamist on teinud oma töö. Sellepärast ei saagi päris käsi südamel öelda, et oleks niiöelda esimene keel… pole native speaker ei eesti ega ka inglise keeles. Inglise keeles puudub see väike lisasädemeke, mis tuleb naturaalselt seda esimese keelena rääkivatel inimestel. Eesti keeles olen selle sädeme kaotanud, kuna ei ole enam seal. Kuhu poole minna nüüd?

Some people. Life has been unkind in some respects and I’m to blame for most of it anyway, but… Lives follow their own paths and sometimes it’s inevitable that some people just fall out the picture. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. Different times, different places… Difficult circumstances and the unknown direction my life could take. At this present moment I don’t know where I’ll be in a year. So much is open and it’s unsettling. So much is up to the big decision-making forces in our life (coincidence, will-power, luck, consequences of our actions etc). If there’s  higher power in life, it’s looking at the chess board that is my life right now and thinking of which figure to move. Hope not for a checkmate.
Obviously you win some, you lose some. If changing homes and countries hadn’t brought other brilliant people in my life, I don’t know what the purpose of it all would be. It’s all good. I’m just trying to say I miss my people. I miss having the time and chance to be with them.

Paris.

Skydiving. It puts a smile on my face like nothing else. To be able to afford it, I would have to be in Estonia, working. But to make something successful of myself, I should stay abroad, which means I wouldn’t cultivate the money to be able to spend on skydiving for a very solid few years. I miss the dropzone life, I miss the people, but the most I miss the adrenaline, the fear of death and the view from up there. And what pisses me off the most is that the only thing stopping me from skydiving is money. If I wanted to make the money to be able to skydive regularly, I wouldn’t have the time, because I’d be busy making money. And at the current state of affairs, I won’t be able to get a job that would let me live and put money aside for skydiving. Why does everything have to revolve around money, for fuck’s sake?

And saying all of this makes me feel as if I sound like an ungrateful bitch who’s not happy with what they’ve got. Don’t get me wrong, these things mentioned here are me just venting a bit. What we need to tell ourselves is that on a global scale, everything is absolutely fine. When I’m not missing stuff, I’m quite happy. And hey, can’t have it all eh?

I’ll put some photos here that never fail to bring a photon of light into even the darkest of the days. As a reminder to cheer the fuck up soon.

Pokerface.

One more thing – I miss being fluent in French and relatively fluent in Spanish. I know it wouldn’t take more than a couple of books and perhaps a few weeks in those countries to polish up those skills, but [moan moan]. Text on the window on the last photo says: ‘without coffee there’s no tomorrow’.

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