I’ve been thinking a lot what to write about recently.
I’ve had a major case of writer’s block and I admit it was because it feels like I’ve gone through just about the worst three weeks or so of my life. It fucking sucked.
I’ve got a home now. It’s about a mile (maybe a bit more) away from uni, and surprisingly, despite the fact that I always end up sweaty and sneezy (I sneeze a lot when I sweat, God knows why and he ain’t telling) at university, I’ve fallen asleep with the crispy autumn mornings. Those 20-minute walks in the morning are moments of self-reflection, waking up to both the day ahead and life in general. Noticing the tiny dew pearls glimmering away in the grass that makes my feet wet, seeing the early seagulls on the fields.. It’s somehow spiritual and awakening in every sense of the word and I realised that when I was torn apart from my always natural companion on any journey – music. I walked in silence and was the only person on the path in front of me. I felt secluded and alone, but in the way that I could have actually owned the world at that moment. I’ve been down so much recently I cling onto the slightest positive note and amlplify and romanticise it too much perhaps.. But you know, at that moment… that glimpse of hope is all. It makes it worthwhile.
After my biggest worry of having a place to live resolved (as a surprise also, because my phone has been playing up and my housemate wasn’t able to reach me… so I went to my friends’ place where I’d been staying for about two weeks already, where Frank told me I have a house. I moved in the same night, unpacked until about 4AM.. note.. the time I got to the boys’ house was 10pm), another worry barged in. Actually, it’s not really a worry as there’s absolutely fuckall I can do about it.
Neal moved to Brighton. I’m not handling it as well as I hoped I would. I should probably just give it time. I miss him like crazy and it disables my rational and adult thinking. On all levels. I feel incomplete and disoriented. I feel like I’m missing a leg and I need to run a marathon. I’m not inspired to do anything – it’s almost like I’m mourning. I don’t want to come across as complaining about it all, because all of this is a result of my weakness, but I just.. UGH. You know, it fucking sucks. Ass. There.
I don’t like it. But I’ll have to get used to it. With most things you can go all “when life gives you lemons, say ‘fuck the lemons’ and bail” but with life itself it’s kinda impossible to do it.
I kinda blame Neal’s departure (yes, I’m a selfish twat) on me feeling powerless with uni stuff I have ahead as well. Not gonna go into that, but there’s a huge pile and a half of work to do and I have to do it well OR ELSE. 😐
On a more positive note, I watched a film today. ‘Adaptation’. I was moved by the complexity of the storyline and the simplicity of the message behind it. Brilliant acting by brilliant actors and an enjoyable plot. It’s a good reflection and projection of the works of human mind and peronalities, giving enough credit to our insecurities and worries. It’s a portrayal of a struggling artist, script writer in this case. I’m sure anyone who has ever tried to create something can relate. I could. Just pick your metaphors and examples. I have to admit, even though Nicholas Cage is a good actor, I had to keep myself from giggling at times, just because of this blog. And there was two of him in that film. Bahaha xD.
On a very broad scale I’m becoming to terms with the importance of the year ahead of me. It scares me shitless. It’s a time of adjustment, hard work and hard times. I believe I can only come out of this stronger, but you know.. treading it already now isn’t helping much with trying to remember that constantly. It’s going to be hard and unpleasant. However, I’ll get through this.
Because a few cool things are in store as well. More to follow soon.
Don’t mix cheap soy milk with instant coffee. Then again, it could be an odd way of making tofu?